Looking Back
December 7th, 2022
Last month, on November 10th, 2022, marked my first full year of drawing. This was an incredibly important date for me because I have notoriously had a hard time picking up and maintaining new hobbies, especially if it is something self-taught with no golden rule to reference.
For the first half of that year, I did not respect my art. I occasionally got excited because I knew I made improvements, but my self-esteem did not allow me to really accept any compliments that the choice few people I showed my art gave me. The reason is quite simple, but not one that I ever told them. Being able to draw at a mediocre level despite not drawing for that long, it felt as if any compliment they gave me was in respect to how long I had been drawing. If someone told me, “You’re good at drawing”, my subconscious would complete that thought with, “for having drawn for x amount of time”.
This issue had nothing to do with my skill, or the people handing me these compliments. I knew that it was solely derived from a low self-esteem. Even so, that feeling of inadequacy spurred me to get better at drawing, until my subconscious would stop turning those compliments into backhanded ones.
So, I kept drawing. I still hear those backhanded compliments in my head, but I have shifted from letting my motivation derive from feeling lesser than others. I draw now because I enjoy it and I have something to show for it.
This November 10th, I chose to show a compilation of my art to the public for the first time. Granted, by “the public”, I am referring to the 250 people following my personal Instagram account. That is not that many people, but it is much more than the 10 people that I had previously been showing on a private art account.
It was extremely nerve wracking–I never thought I could break into a cold sweat simply thinking about posting something that I was proud of on my public account. But I didn’t regret for a second, and I started drawing for myself in the first place. I did not see why I couldn’t post this mainly for myself rather than for other people to see.
I am thankful for what art has taught me about everything, from observation to perseverance. My motivation has wavered, but I know that I will continue drawing for years to come.
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